28 Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy While at Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for atleast 3 weeks and have discarded 2 of the 5.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mac trucks going uphill, ad use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3.Unplug all radio's and TV's to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from 5 years ago to keep you abreast on current events.
4.Monitor all home appliances hourly recording all vital information (IE: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc...)
5. Do not flush the toilet for 5days to simulate the smell of 40 people using one toilet.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look either bald or like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only 4 hours at a time, to ensure that the body does not know or even care if it is night or day.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for 2 weeks then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to listen to your favorite CD again
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose 3sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is 4feet off of the floor. Place a small dead animal uder the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmates socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minte intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watch standers and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining 3 hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash and a new wave rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait 2 weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all of the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blind fold and eat everything in 3 minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main breaker and run around shouting "Fire, Fire, Fire" and then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a "black water system" boo-boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. scrub the face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for 2hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take appliances apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint everything gray, white,or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but 2 rolls. ensure that 1 of these 2 is wet at all times.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every 2 days to simulate collision injuries sustained on board Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for 6 days, or until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the slums of the city wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place and ask for the most expensive beer, drink as many as you can in 4 hours. Take a cab home, taking the longest route possible. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only 2 days after you leave port.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
26.Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with temperature alternating from -2 to 95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons that hold a minimum of 1/2cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month whether it needs it or not.