Saturday, March 21, 2009

Another week down

Things are OK on the home front here just seeming a little tedious! I feel like everything is piled against the door and I can't push through! Nothing is really wrong, matter of fact minus the housework that I can't seem to get the energy to get behind and get done, everything is going great! I just can't seem to shake that feeling that my world is about to collapse around me! I know part of it is a depression trying to settle in and i am fighting it hard! The thing is I have a history of depression and am not proud to say that at 14 I hit an all time low! I tried to kill myself! Since then I have been on many different medications and only a couple of them have worked! Unfortunately when treating "mental" issues it is a trial and error when it comes to finding the right medication (or a combination of!) Well before I found out I was pregnant with Cami we had finally found the perfect combination to keep my issues in check and unfortunately it was not safe to continue taking while i was pregnant and nursing! Needless to say I did not go back on the medications after Cami's first year (we were trying for Addisyn) and have not been on any stabilizers since! Some days I wish for the even keel that I had before I had Cami! Now it is an emotional roller coaster and though I am no where near that place I was at 14, there are many days where I just don't want to even get out of bed! I know it would probably help me to go back on something but i enjoy nursing my child! The bond that I have with both of my girls is amazing and a lot of that is (IMHO) attributed to the fact that I nurse(d) them! And unfortunately the only mood stabilizer that is "safe" for pregnancy and nursing is Prozac and that has been tried on many different levels and just is not the right choice for me! I am at a loss of where I want to/ need to go with this! Please everyone know that I am truly OK (I have just hit this part of the deployment cycle and am trying to climb out) and I know where my point of breaking is and I will never allow myself to get there again!! I just wish there were an answer that could help with out me feeling like I am depriving my child of the healthiest thing for her! Monday Morning I will be calling to talk to my PCM about getting my referral to go back to counseling and maybe there is some new break through medication that is safe to take! If anyone has any suggestions for natural mood stabilizers please feel free to suggest! I have used St. John's Wort in the past and am not sure if it is safe while nursing or not so I haven't tried and I need to do some more research on things! Thank you all for all of the support that has been given over the past few weeks it means sooo much to me and my family!

So ok onto better things!! Addisyn is almost 6months old already and it truly seems like just yesterday I was going into surgery to give birth!!! We have started using a sippy cup (just water for now!) She loves to sit in her exersaucer and play! She still has beautiful blue eyes (I am totally jealous) and a smile that (even behind a binky) lights up my world (and anyone else who is privlidged enough to see it!) She is rolling over constantly and trying to get her knees up under her i feel she may start crawling before Cami did! though Cami was an Army crawl baby!

Cami is doing well she is getting better with the discipline issues that we had been having! Implementing a more routine focused schedule is helping quite a bit! But we still have a long way to go til she is back on the schedule she was in VA! Man I wish I could go back to that time with her! She has quickly become a speed demon on her bicycle and a daredevil as well! She has started standing and peddleing like the big kids do! She scares me and I do beleive I need to get her in some sort of sport as soon as I can so that i can encourage that constant scheduled activity! She needs it and I think she will excel at sports with how advanced she is in her motor skills!

Ernie is doing ok in MS! We are both realizing that this isn't going to be as easy as we thought it was going to be! By no means did we think it was going to be a cake walk but it hurts to be away from him knowing that it is for such an extended period of time! The most difficult thing so far has been the time change and the time constraints that we each have! With me here with 2 small children to care for I can't drop everything when he calls! And he is in training all day so he doesn't have the liberty of calling when it is convinent for me! So we pretty much are trying to figure that out! though watch as soon as we figure it out he will be coming home for his I stop LOL!!!

So in a nutshell that is our lives at this point! Keep an Eye out for this weeks I <3 faces week 11 post as I attempt to compare with some of the amazing photographers on this site in their weekly contest this week the theme is NO FLASH!! If you are interested check them out and give it a whirl!


Anonymous said...

Take good care of YOU, Keri. Get some counseling if nothing else! It will be a tremendous relief overall. There's no shame in being able to admit you need help; in fact, I think it makes you an even stronger person beecause you are able to admit it. Sounds like the girls are doing well. I agree on the organized sports issue. It has been a blessing for Miss Ma'am to be in cheerleading and music apart from school activities and it keeps her summers busy as well.

Our best to You and Ernie! Lots of ((((huggles)))) from us to you.

Mamarazzi said...

sending big cyber hugs!!
it was so fun to see you pop in over on my blog. i have missed your comments. i need to get better about visiting everyone too.

ps...the word verification is "hopee" take that as a sign for brighter days!

Miss Hope said...

Hang in there, Keri! Know you got plenty of ears to vent to if needed!

p.s. I left a little something for you on my blog!